


The Senseless One

by OriginofChaos



Series: AUs [5]
Category: Smosh
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Co-workers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 08:41:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4131363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginofChaos/pseuds/OriginofChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard to live when you can feel nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Senseless One

**Author's Note:**

> It's an old one-shot I posted on Tumblr long ago. Some of you may already read it. I just decided to repost it here.

I used to feel some time ago. But I don’t remember how and why I stopped. I’m senseless and I can’t feel anything at all. It doesn’t mean that I can’t feel physical pain but I got rid of emotions somehow. And because of that my memory is not strong so I can’t even remember what happened yesterday.

So I decided to write everything what happened with me every day. Maybe it’ll help me to awake some emotions or I could just remember something important. Actually I do want to awake my emotions. I see people laughing, crying, being angry. And I can’t understand it because all I feel is the void.

Okay, so I should write some basic information about me first. My name is Ian, I’m 23 years old. I live in Sacramento alone. I have no job but there are stickers all over my house with notes that my first workday is tomorrow. They also say that I’ll work as an editor. Not bad at all because I can work without any distraction. People will think that I’m heartless introvert so they won’t bother me with chatting or something like that.

So I think that’s why I decided to write the things here to remember.

My life is full of necessary and unnecessary rites. I’ve got stickers everywhere in order not to forget to do something. There’s a dozen of them on my monitor. But in spite of that I’ve got nothing to do. I have a lot of spare time which I spend on internet surfing or walking. That’s all because of my memory issues and lack of emotions. I see no point in watching TV or playing games because I’m not enjoying it. I even don’t know how to enjoy something. I don’t read books because I won’t remember what I’ve read anyway. But I read some posts on the internet because there’s no point in remembering them.

Today I’ve read a post where someone claimed that the life without emotions is the easiest life. It’s not true. It’s rather a curse than bless. Emotions and memories form a life, either good or bad. I don’t have a life, that’s what can I say for sure. This so called life (or should I say existence?) made me careless and indifferent. But I want something to care about, to smile about, to cry about. I want to know how to live again.

 

 

Day 1

Edit Mr. Dowsone’s article until tomorrow.

===

The first workday is over. I met my co-worker. Some Anthony guy or something. He’s strange. He’s not like everyone, I mean, he’s bothered of my lack of emotions, I think. He always cracks jokes and he tried to make me laugh for all day. He also made fun of my haircut, by calling it a bowl. And his desk doesn’t look like a desk of grown-up. There were a lot of toys, figures and strange red-and-white balls. Actually, our cooperation began with one of these balls being thrown in me. He shouted something like “I’m gonna catch you!” And I think that I offended him when I asked what these toys were doing on his desk. He yelled that it was not just toys. It was sort of action figures, as he called it. He was so surprised when I told him that I don’t know any of these.

But nevertheless, he is a good worker. He did his tasks in time and told me everything I need. Thank god I’ve recorded it so I won’t have to ask him to explain everything again. The last thing I need is to let everyone know about my memory issues.

Luckily, there’s no one else is trying to get in touch with me except this Anthony guy. That’s good because I won’t remember them tomorrow anyway and I won’t hurt them with my senseless nature. But for some reason this Anthony guy feels the need to be friends with me, I guess. But I don’t know why. Maybe because we’re co-workers and forced to work together in team or he just likes me for some reason. The reason is unknown for me. I think I should ask him… If I remember to do that.

 

 

Day 2

Send articles on flashcard to this Anthony guy.

===

I think I hurt my co-worker, this Anthony guy. When I introduced myself to him and said that I was glad to meet him, he gave me strange gaze and walked away. Of course he doesn’t know about my problem. Actually, no one knows about it except my mum and my boss. I think. Maybe I’ve told about it to someone else, but I don’t remember. I think I should tell it to this Anthony guy too. He’s my co-worker, after all.

And his desk is really strange… I think he’s too childish. I’ve never seen so many toys in my life. But I didn’t tell it to him because I thought I could hurt him even more.

Despite this, the day went very smooth. No one was distracting me off my work and I’ve managed to do even more than I was required to do today. I’m proud of myself.

 

 

Day 3

Write a report and send it to my boss

===

My workdays are going very smooth. I like that. The routine job is the one job I need – doing the same actions over and over day after day is the best thing for me. Eventually I can learn to do it reflexively and I wouldn’t need to learn the same things over and over again. But my co-worker is the one who distracts me and breaking all the routine I need.

Today I told this Anthony guy everything about my issues. He said that he would help me with my… how did he call it… amnesia. He said that he would come to my place every day. I don’t know how it can help me, but we can try at least. And he also gave me one of his red-and-white balls which he called “Poke ball” or something. He said that there was my memory “Pokémon” which could help me if I would take a good care of it. He’s really strange.

 

 

Day 4

This Anthony guy just left. And I think he can actually help me. Today I saw a red-and-white ball on my drawer and remember that he gave me it. I remembered him. That’s a huge progress in 3 days, I think.

When I came in the office he said that he was going in my place after work. Also I found a sticker with this note on my desk along with some stickers written with other handwriting, not mine. He said that he decided to help me organising my work and now he also put some stickers with reminders on my desk. That’s actually very kind of him.

When we came home, he saw all the stickers on my walls and terrified. He said that he wouldn’t be able to live the same way like I do. He asked me how I can cope with all this. I told him the truth, I can just because I can’t remember almost everything so I don’t need to cope with that. For some reason I don’t want to lie to him at all.

I think he was shocked with my lifestyle. He said that he couldn’t live alone with no friends. I said that I didn’t want to have any friends because I hurt them and I asked him why he cared about me. He shrugged and told me that he thought I’m a nice guy and when I said the thing about friends he was convinced that I have feelings but deep down so he decided to help me in all costs. I really can’t understand him. I remember I had some friends when I didn’t have these issues but they left me, and no one else wanted to help me. Even my mum had given up. I know she cares about me and loves me. She asks me to call her every day to let her know that I’m all right. But she can’t do anything. Maybe she tried but if it’s true, it was to no avail. But this Anthony guy is so serious about helping me. Just like it’s the matter of his life.

He brought something called playstation with him and said that we were going to play Legend of Zelda. It’s his the most favourite game so he thought I should like it too. I can’t say I liked it, I felt nothing, but there was something in playing. I wonder why I haven’t played video games before. This is perfect time-killer. This Anthony guy was totally into it. He was so emotional while playing, so… alive. I wish I was like him. He said that he left this playstation here for me, so I can play it any time I want and he wouldn’t bring it to me every time. So since I have nothing to do, I’m gonna go and play once more.

 

Day 16

Write report!!!

===

Damn, I totally forgot about my journal. But I guess, I don’t need it for its main purpose – to restore my memory. Anthony can do it better. Actually, I can remember him perfectly now. He says that we’re friends. I haven’t got any friends in years so this is kind of strange for me. He also asked a permission to move to my place because he couldn’t bear with me living alone. So now he lives in my spare room. He helps me a lot, to be honest. He makes me breakfasts and dinners, always reminds me about something I need to do and we play games after work. I still can’t understand why he does all of this.

By the way, today something unbelievable happened. Today I smiled because I felt like it. Anthony was angry when he lost a round in Mortal Combat and I thought that it was kind of funny. When he saw my smile… Well, I haven’t seen him reacting like that, at least, as far as I can remember him. He literally jumped off the couch and hugged me so tight that I was sure I heard my bones cracking. And then I heard him crying. I asked him why he was crying but he said that he just was really happy. He said that this smile meant everything for him and if I could do it, I could feel everything eventually. I hope he’s right.

 

 

Day 34

Today Anthony told me the real reason why he’s caring about me so much.

He was very depressed today so I asked him what the matter was. He said that he called my mum to know the reason of my issues. He didn’t tell it to me but he said that it was so terrible that I was determined to get rid of every memory about that day and every emotion just not to feel the pain anymore. I succeeded but somehow it progressed to the state I have now. He said that if we succeed in bringing memory and emotions back, I can remember that day. He told me that he didn’t want me to feel the pain again. Now he doesn’t know what does he want – to help me feel everything again or to protect me of this painful memories. He said that the choice was breaking his heart in pieces because he loved me.

And then I understood everything. I understood why he cares about me so much, why he was so happy when I felt something. And I felt pain. I realised that I wouldn’t love him back if I don’t restore my emotions so he will be suffering because of it. I told him that but he shut me up and said that I would never hurt him. He said that he loved me from the first sight and it didn’t mean to him whether I love him back or not. He just wanted to be by my side and know that everything is all right with me.

Then I asked him why me. There are plenty of men and women he could easily fall in love with but for some reason he chose me. That wasn’t the best choice at all so I wanted to know why he chose me. He said that when he saw me, he felt that I was his ‘the one’. And he didn’t care if it was good or bad choice. He just feels happy every time he’s with me and he doesn’t need anything more.

I think that’s the thing I’ll never understand.


End file.
